Tag Archives: deep thoughts

Despite all appearances, I’m more than a bit of a closet romantic.  You couldn’t necessarily tell it from appearances in my thirty-year marriage, nonetheless, we’re both a bit on the romantic side.  Our forms of romance tend to take the shape of the small pieces of everyday life rather than the big, showy stuff.

Case in point, last night.  DH and I started talking about Valentine’s Day.  He asked what I wanted.  My response was “wasn’t that why you gave me that coupon to pick out the chocolate on Saturday?”  He thought a moment, considered some other treats he’d picked up over the weekend, then grinned.

“I’m more on top of it subconsciously than I thought!”

Well, yeah.  That’s what both of us tend to do.  To me, romance is as much about the daily interactions as it is about the Big Showy Stuff.  The Big Showy Stuff is good for movies and books, but in real life?  What counts is the daily stuff, the daily small kindnesses and attentions.  Those moments when we anticipate each other’s thoughts in order to get things done.  That, to me, is as much romance as the Big Gesture.  “Happily ever after” isn’t the big stuff, it’s what you make of the small, everyday stuff.

No, I probably won’t get flowers today.  NBD.

I might, however, buy flowers myself.  Because that’s what we do.  And he likes them as much as I do.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Hello.  My name is Joyce, and I’m an introvert.

Right now I expect about half the folks who’ve known me in adulthood (especially since my late 40s) to go “HUH?  WHA?!  YOU!?”

Um.  Yeah.  I cover it well.  But, like many of my writer tribe, at heart I really am a quiet (but not shy) introvert.  That outgoing, bubbly persona?  Requires equal amounts of time where I just retreat to a corner and don’t deal with anyone other than closest family.  I need my quiet time and one feature of my long commute to work has been the ability to have the time to myself with nothing other than the particular CD that currently reflects my mood.

I don’t even like radio, much less audiobooks.  Occasionally I’ll call someone and talk on the long empty stretches of my drive, but for the most part, I really do prefer just me and the music.

Some of my favorite times at the barn come when it’s just me and Mocha.  I used to chatter to my horses when I was a kid, but now I really don’t talk much to the horse.  For one thing, Mocha’s made it clear she doesn’t care for a lot of monkey chatter–it’s all about the work once the tack’s on, for another, many times I’m still decompressing from work.  That doesn’t mean I don’t mind it when barn rats fill the arena and alleyways…that can be fun, too.  But I really do like those dark, quiet evenings when it’s just me and Mocha.

Same for the slopes.  I like skiing with my DH, but I could never regularly ski with a group of people.  Besides the logistics of managing four or more people in a ski group, I really like skiing quietly, observing the world around me.  I never did replace my Shuffle when it died out because I got back into the world of quiet skiing, and now I really don’t want the sound track.

What got me off on this tangent?  This lovely post over at the Book View Cafe, which also references this Jonathan Rausch essay at the Atlantic.  Both are great reads.

How did I ever turn from introvert to apparent extrovert?  Spending some time in the political organizing trenches as a young adult didn’t hurt, and then working at the process of socializing with others more effectively.  I had the assistance of several extroverted friends who were kind enough to give me tips.  Learning from the lobbying process how to schmooze with people whose interests were nowhere near mine, and how to create a persuasive argument for my position was also a big help.  Learning not to flinch at my own verbal gaffes but push on without dropping a beat was another key.  Learning about mental rehearsals, thinking ahead about what I wanted to say and who I wanted to say it to, and how I wanted to come off with it was another huge factor.

The other big piece is that I also started to pick my physical image very carefully.  My clothing is often introvert armor, and I’ve learned to pick non-fussy stuff that’s not likely to lead to embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions whilst making me look reasonably good.  I pull this off most of the time.  Sometimes the magic doesn’t work, but hey, that’s what it is.

The final factor was becoming a middle school teacher.  Middle school, more than anything else, requires a strong sense of confidence in yourself to the degree that you are not afraid to make fun of yourself.  Hey, middle schoolers tend to think all adults, especially school staff adults, are stupid at least part of the time.  If you’re too much of a stuffed shirt and can be brought down by the skewers of kids just starting to play with the art of verbal darts, you shouldn’t be working in middle school.  There will be days when it all falls to pieces and that’s part of the flux of middle school, because those days get balanced by the days when everything is wonderful and soaring.  Developmentally appropriate.

After teaching a tough middle school crowd, any adult social function is a piece of cake.  Period.  I might walk away telling myself “Well that was a crash and burn moment,” but after middle school teaching?  I know that things will be better next time.

But I still need my quiet moments.

See you all in the silence.

There’s been some interesting discussion about weight loss/maintenance over on the LiveJournal crosspost, and the discussion’s led me to think some more about the world of weight loss/maintenance/management.  So here’s my further thoughts, coming not just from the LJ discussion but from a moms’ e-list I’m on (we’ve been talking about how to help overweight kids regulate their weight).

For some people, weight management can be just an issue of how active they are.  Those folks really don’t get it when folks not in that classification talk about the need to restrict access to food/types of food eaten.  They naturally have good appetite regulation, often they are naturally inclined to be athletic, and for them weight loss/maintenance is just an issue of eating in a healthy manner and remaining active.  It’s not hard for them and in the event that circumstances happen (a health setback, usually) that they’ve gained weight, they are comfortable and confident that they will lose the weight again.

For other people, weight management needs to be an issue of both activity level AND controlling food consumption.  These folks may or may not be naturally athletic, and if they are active and athletic, that’s often not enough to keep the weight to a healthy place.  Usually in this circumstance there are issues with internal appetite regulation, and they actively have to think about controlling what they eat and how much they eat.  This is the category where you’ll find the “fit and fat” group (hello, that’s me!) who get really, really annoyed by the correlation that fat=unfit.  It is completely and totally possible to be fat and fit.  Been there, done that, have the pictures. Growled at the nurses who crank up the blood pressure cuff to painful levels because of the assumption that what they see means sky-high blood pressure.  Been gratified to see the shocked look on their faces when the final BP and blood work results come in.

So if you’re fit and fat, what’s the problem?  Often your stats are good, much to the puzzlement of your doctors.  Low blood pressure, good cholesterol levels, good aerobic fitness.  However, as someone who’s been there…what happens are problems in other areas.  Namely, joints.  Ligaments.  Tendons.  Flexibility.  Losing sixty pounds didn’t eliminate my joint and ligament pain issues entirely, but it sure made a difference.  Plus it is easier to recover fitness after a period of being sick.  And, for someone who’s active, carrying extra weight around your middle does limit your flexibility.

Additionally, even when you lose the weight and remain active, it takes vigilance to keep that weight off.  A minor indulgence can lead to a sudden gain of five to ten pounds, which piles up pretty fast if you aren’t watching.  That’s what led to my last yo-yo weight gain.  I started coasting, stopped watching the scale, stopped monitoring the food intake.  Even though I was still very active, the pounds started crawling back on.  Add in a spell of being sick with the Evil Respiratory Bug, which led to getting sidelined long enough for the slippery slope of weight gain to start (comfort eating while sick was one culprit, plus sucking on hard candies to help ease throat irritation), including my appetite readjusting itself to a higher caloric intake.  Medication changes didn’t help, either (Prednisone really plays havoc with weight maintenance).  It didn’t take long before I was back up the scale, and the last twenty pounds piled on within weeks.  Seriously.  One season I was buying new clothes in a larger size, and the next season those clothes were too small and I had to go up still another size.  Weeks.  A matter of two months from size 12 to size 14.  OMG.

What this last round of weight gain and loss taught me is that I really can’t depend on my appetite to regulate itself without my paying conscious attention to it.  I have to think about everything I eat, including calorie-laden drinks.  A year ago I could sip a soy chai without being concerned.  Now I can’t.  That’s the tricky thing about my metabolism…it adapts quickly and I have to keep fooling it by switching foods around.  And when I’m sick, I have to adjust my food intake and the types of food I eat to keep the weight away.

Not everyone is like this.  I suspect, in my case, one major factor was that I grew up with food being used as a comfort and a reward.  It didn’t help that I grew up with farm cookery, and was eating a lot of stuff that was designed to meet the needs of hard non-mechanized physical labor that I (and most of us, really) wasn’t doing any more.  I have had to consciously look for other rewards while still allowing myself the very limited treats to reward or comfort myself.

Food intolerances and allergies have a role as well.  A friend who is gluten-intolerant told me that she could literally gain ten pounds in one day from eating gluten accidentally, due to bloating and water retention.  While I’m not gluten-intolerant, I have wheat, dairy and egg allergies (respiratory allergy triggers).  That probably contributed to much of my youthful weight gain.  Additionally, I’m discovering further intolerances (crucial is an inability to fully digest the complex carbohydrates in healthy foods like veggies, soy, beans and nuts.  Beano is my new best friend) which may be contributing further to my weight management issues.

It’s a complex issue.  But for now, let’s just say that even though I currently don’t look fat, I have to manage my activity and diet levels aggressively.  I may be skinny girl now, but boy, do I ever remember fat girl (I was one who was horribly teased about her weight as a child).

I may look skinny, but inside is Fit But Fat Girl.  And that is a reality that shapes my life, long-term.  Exercise alone will not keep me at my current weight.  Exercise plus watching everything I eat and drink will.

And that’s just the way it is, for the type of body I have.

I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that a lot of my friends are talking about weight loss/weight maintenance issues.  After all, we’ve just finished a holiday season and it is the New Year, with subsequent resolutions and attempts to reform one’s life.  Weight and body issues are probably one of the first areas that pop up for most of us.

Of course, a recent NY Times article (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all) about the problems those of us who trend toward natural heaviness ends up being slightly discouraging.  I fit the profile of the yo-yo dieter, though I’m trying to break out of that mold.  What I’m discovering is that I really do have to be obsessive about diet and exercise in order to maintain the weight I want.  Which means daily dates with the scale, constant contemplation of food choices, constant thoughts about quantity, and regular scheduling of exercise.

These issues are different for different folks, though.  Some people can exercise and see weight loss.  Others can restrict their diet and see weight loss.  But there are those of us (like me) who need to be very controlling of both diet and exercise to lose and maintain the weight loss.  I’ve done the yo-yo thing enough to know that yeah, I can eventually lose 20-60 pounds.  But it’s hard, and gets harder every time I do it.  Without monitoring quantity of food consumed and amount of exercise, the weight creeps back on.

This time around I’ve managed to keep the weight consistent for about a year.  But I still have to maintain the very restricted quantity diet to do so.  I can only allow myself occasional indulgences, and then offset them not just by exercise but by strict food control for a few days after.

I’m determined to beat the yo-yo effect.  I’d just as soon not deal with weight gain/loss cycles every five to ten years.  At some point–at my age, racing ever closer–it’s going to be harder on my body to manage these swings.  I’d just as soon lock the weight in now, and keep it at this level.  I’ve been fat and I’ve been skinny, and even with the need to exercise and control my food intake, I prefer myself at this weight.  I hurt less.  It’s easier to move and do things.  Oddly enough, my clothing choices remain about the same (no matter what size I am, it seems like all the cute stuff is in sizes I can’t wear–now there’s lots of cute XL/XXL/12/14/16 stuff), so that’s not really the issue.

How I feel is more important.  And, at this point in my life, between food allergies, food intolerances, and everything else I’ve got going on, restricting what I eat needs to be happening whether I do it for weight control or for allergy/health issues.

But most importantly, I am happy with myself as an active person.  I hoop, I spin poi, I ski, I ride my horse, I practice yoga, and I lift light weights.  I seem to have finally found the right mix of movement activities that are fun and that I can do.  Mastering skiing has shown me that I can do most physical activities available to me…within reason (running or other high-impact activity is Right Out, however, thanks to past injuries).  And in the last sequence of yo-yo weight gain, despite the weight, I was able to remain active and Do Stuff.  It simply took the addition of controlling food to lose the weight.  I got fit first, and then lost the weight.

Fitness first.  That’s my mantra for the New Year.  The rest of it just follows along.