It seems like a lot of what I’m doing lately is muttering about being hit with a bunch of stuff going on. Well, I guess it’s pretty true. Some of it is good stuff. I’ve got a couple of side gigs going with my old school district–one is performing diagnostic academic assessments to cover for a teacher who left midyear. That takes up a week out of the month, but I’m back in the groove and feeling good about it. The other side gig is teaching online PE and Health at an alternative school setting for three half days a week. I’m learning new methodologies and figuring out stuff. That’s fun.
But it takes energy away from writing. Sigh.
And then the son has had some health issues, and that has involved more time in PDX. I’m having problems being creative there, and some of it is just energy drain from figuring out how to manage the work, plus not being aggressive about carving out my writing space.
Then the horse is showing bruising on her toes. It doesn’t show from her movement, which is good, but it’s worrisome. We’re now limited to walk-trot work as a result.
Ah well. On the way back from Portland yesterday, we took a new road from Umatilla to Athena. I got to see some of the landscape of Beyond Honor and think about it a little bit, as well as have some soul-searching conversations with the husband about some things I’ve been turning over in my brain.
Part of the issue is that I just don’t have it in me to burn the candle at both ends for my art. I remember the days when I did that–getting up at 4:30 am to write before leaving the house at 6 to get to work by 7. I’d edit stuff at lunch, then come home and work some more at night. I kept that up for about four years, until the work started falling apart because of the economy. While I’m grateful for that era, because it taught me what I could and couldn’t do when faced with a deadline–I’m now reluctant to put myself through it for what minimal reward I got for those years of hard work. Yeah, I sold work. But nothing big happened. Lightning stubbornly avoided striking me, except for a couple of consolation prizes. I know folks who did the same thing and got lots of return for it. Awards, book sales, big contracts.
Me? Not much.
If it sounds like I’m in a down mood about the writing and the production, well, yeah, I am. I don’t see many breaks on the horizon, and when I try to promote, it just doesn’t seem to come out right.
March. Arrrgh. I’m sure things will look better in the morning.
But damn, it would be nice to get a breakthrough on the writing. The teaching side gigs are a new way to approach the work, but…it’s not really where my heart is. I could probably build up a consulting practice if I chose to put the work into it, but for what? Who really benefits? I’m satisfied with what I’m doing now, and yeah, if I could find about this level of work on a predictable basis, I’d go for it.
However…if the writing ever kicked up the equivalent reward, I’d drop the teaching side gigs in a heartbeat.
I’m just getting more and more cynical about it ever happening, absent a lot of investment of cash into workshops and other networking opportunities, and not even then. My track record for such things is depressively unproductive. For whatever reason I seem to be connection-blind.
I dunno. Just one of those nights when I’m questioning and frustrated. Oh well. It will pass. I know these moods.
Just wish…I don’t know.
